No More Tears Society

I am not in a state of dreaming, I am walking 

but i feel dead inside, i thought it was just a moment

it has been three years 

yesterday i noticed that it had become physical

a knott, a bruise, a wound, a pain in my soul

i continue, hoping to a new day

and as i wake, the pain has arisen yet again

i fight it, and i tire from the shattered slivers 

cutting into my hopes and dreams

bare and raw to the nakedness of all that has 

destroyed me. 

I Look to see if the seeds have sprouted

still invisible beneath the soil, waiting for the rains to come 

Black and comely, held in and violently taking what is not theirs to own

a set shade and tone of the remnants of the world

tied and bound to opinion

left behind and mistreated for falling, failing

why do you look upon me as a smear, a burden

if God so loved the world, why cant we love deeply 

more truly than the rest of it

aching to find a home, sitting in much muck

burning with all the fire 

lost in a space not mine

lost in a place confined and rebuked

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the silence deathly

almost turning to insanity

for comfort and bond

i only have myself, and who am I

the color of blue

merging into why i will become

a light, in the distance

calling, barely visible, blurred 

felt

earnestly urging me to take another step

take another breath

have another hope

be another version of myself

as i fell into the depths of sleep,

i remember telling myself

"your going to make it" 

not knowing what is to come 

and i honestly dont want to be here anymore.

after finding out that God is real and there is a place after this

ive realized that I would rather go home.

it feels as if ive lost everything, 

and no thing can remove this pain

only the one who created me

if i do take my own life, 

who will raise my son

who will make sure my mom is ok

what will happen to my sisters and brothers

will they give up

what about all the people who God has blessed me 

to have shown his love

does content mean happiness

contentment is not happiness

happiness is not real

peace from contentment is

pain is, 

valleys are, 

mountain tops happen

in the midst of valleys

but come from contentment in a circumstance

its safe to leave now

I will Always Love You

 

i have never felt like this. My heart so twisted and gnarled, so many steps taken in pain and thoughts had in grief.

I am a faithful man thou i have fallen. Ive seen many days of happiness and extreme excitement. Times ive held and been held, walked away and come back to my sense. But never have i felt a season such as this. To feel so alone, to be alone. To make friends with your ache. To be known and looked over. Thought of and not called out to. Ive brought hurt and joy into places the had never been. And to people who had never known. Alone i sit, thinking of as many reasons why, as i as many you are not here. 5, six seven years. Counting as i hold back the tears. watching all of you walk by. The ones who where my tribe, and now i am an outkast of the pride. a Byword and an outlaw to those i invested so much into. Only to see to come to this point. Love is strange. The steps i took not as normal as some and out of the ordinary for most. I put a ring on a finger, i walked with you as a bride. A bridge to God, tho your foriegn nature disagreed, i can still see Him setting you free. the taste of the light bursting out from underneath/

These thoughts always on my mind, drifting in and out of i will be fine, to was i blind, to what happened to the time

what happened with our time

my right arm, my left eye

bottom of your boot on my chest

to laying crying caressing your breasts

holding on to more than just whats left

but faith, and that this pain will bring me to the place i need

passed the anguish and into the heavens 

out of the wilderness into a warm home

with love and light and plenty room for anyone who needs to feel 

sitting here, rather laying

writing yet crying out to God

praying

Ive come close to being happy where i was

and then the next thing knocked me out of my heart

the next, my pockets, the next, your life, the next

our dreams

til ther was just me

its hard to believe

it was us against the world at times

really us trying to make it a better place

long drives, being , hoping, believing

breaking into pieces while healing\\

some of us never learned to forgive and others forget

maybe even both, trying to find the tenderness in rejection

the bitter sweet fruit you eat to acceptance\

even been right? ever been always wronged,

the cross is a sacrifice ,

walking with your own is hard

but being there is hard

especially when you are not

when i am a raging bull

kicking in revolt

missing every quote ans saying

thinking of the hope and part you play in

I believe beyond todays saddness

for tomorrows Joy will bring the moon

Passing Byes

New Wave & Pacific 35 mm 

looking through the looking glass, 

i see you, seeing me, seeing 

little did you change

looking through the looking glass, 

much have you destroyed

and more will you devour 

in your pursuit of consuming those around you

you will find that you have not found yourself

even when you look away and go inward

you are still lost 

Brenda's Flowers // 35 mm 

mirror mirror 

the truth has become so much clearer

and now for my final trick, 

i will disappear. 

from your life

     Top Tomato Recording // 35 mm 

 

An UnKnowing to know

90 degrees 1025 am. 

the sun has been dancing with musky clouds all morning

i have been weaker

today i feel the clicking of submerged bone in bodily fluid

each step sounding like the crushed gravel 

each step feeling like a hot sting 

viper plunging its teeth 

close my eyes 

and hope that I can reach 

the stop signal at the end of the street

a maybe i should lay down and heal when i get home 

maybe i should  sit in what lay underneath 

down to feel

i turn, inward

and holding the fetal man within my being 

the  what is left of this beating soul

alive but wounded

fed but hunger, for a way to heal, my. My heart 

life with a mighty sore 

of bitter 

better to be filled with the truth than 

empty with a whole pie of lie 

as many as i have told myself where true

ive figured its best to begin to believe 

even when im caught between rocks and hard places 

that i have never been

new angles of discomfort 

ways that make one feel as if 

we dont exist 

unplanting, rearranging and reseeding

water me again 

my leg was only the first layer of the pain

the rest has been the open wound of the pasts 

im wilting, im weeping, 

im wasting and drifting 

as a blade of grass withers,

is a man not as fragile, just the same 

Our Hills Where Hell, They Lead To Heaven

I,

want to hold your earth in my soil

Your mind, in my cosmic

A peace of your aura in my tea,

as i sit and sip

I think of ways to love you inside out

and though we have not been,

I wait to be one with you 

To, harmonize with your hidden parts

and secret pieces

 

To breath in your painful thoughts 

as we burst from tear to laughter

A green eyed reminder

though we are not aligned

You remind me of, time 

A time, that has passed but is,  and has yet to come 

The ripped roots have found a way back into the ground

 

The seedling has begun to moisten 

Ive seen a sitting man

listening to the truth.

 

a sweet, bitter sweet , bitter treat 

A lull sang 

from a nest, across the street

As pain filled as it is

it changes him and grows deep within

Accepting lines that fade and blend 

Turmoil, becomes the mans best friend

He rarely grins

Nor, is his cheek caressed 

He is flogged and left

loving what has left

loving what no longer has breath 

Hoping in the miracle of what is,

next.

God, introduce me to myself

the man who is in love with 

the hope of ascending from hell

     Runson Rason Willis x 35 mm

Jellyfishing

 

In a Time. before the Rains

 frozen inside of the places i have lived

and slightly merged to all of the pain

a deep weight has settled in my soul on days i have believed i was strong

strong enough to walk out and smile with my heart on my sleeve

smart enough to grasp the concepts of pain in my heart, body, and mind

Old enough and bold enough to stand up to the fiercest of trial

and then again i was just musing about what i would do the next time i had 

a breakdown, or  breakthrough

tears stream, and receed into the deep 

nostile stinging, holding my breath to snatch another tear from being seen

some see bodies and feel a longing for an encounter behind closed doors

but it would be nice for someone to just hold your hand, today

walking barefoot on the sand

snapping back into the reality of, 

that not being the case

its not the same body, not the same grace

so i quiver at the chance to be unseen

or , maybe, the opportunity to lean. again 

on someone 

on something 

that God has made visible

a tree of life in the shape of a lady wisdom

in the shape of things to come