Friday, May 5, 2023

 they walk on stilts

holding their heads up way too high

while holding us hostage 

under the spike of the heal

keeping you at a distance

a steady invisible hand pushing you to the brink


Must it be  

this way


I know you see me

the man watching 

the one knowing that their are those like this

experiencing those that like bliss and make war 

with their eyes and bodies. made up

burning the bridge between love and lust

they want nothing to do with the pain caused

justifying destruction , tu casa, es my body 

pleasing the flesh that dies over night 

to become immortal, only to find out we can create. mortals

blinded by the light of success over service 

beyond giving, just. living 

in a world where sex, money, and ignorance live

how many times will i disturb my spirit to entertain demons

hoping that was the last and praying 

that God will make me new

I believed and fell short

i had faith but have flesh 

I am but a man

that has fallen

the sorrow of getting back, up

it defeating, depleting and disillusionment 

the the one that already has

given up

and i circle back

to the thought that brought me here

the mind, heart and lies that have been accepted

and into the spirit, body, and truth that have brought me through

suttle moments of guiding 

i have been th disobidient boy

locked in a cage 

lost in my way 

i look up agan

i look out to see

Friday, April 14, 2023

No More Tears Society

I am not in a state of dreaming, I am walking 
but i feel dead inside, i thought it was just a moment
it has been three years 

yesterday i noticed that it had become physical
a knott, a bruise, a wound, a pain in my soul
i continue, hoping to a new day
and as i wake, the pain has arisen yet again

i fight it, and i tire from the shattered slivers 
cutting into my hopes and dreams
bare and raw to the nakedness of all that has 
destroyed me. 

I Look to see if the seeds have sprouted
still invisible beneath the soil, waiting for the rains to come 

Black and comely, held in and violently taking what is not theirs to own
a set shade and tone of the remnants of the world
tied and bound to opinion
left behind and mistreated for falling, failing
why do you look upon me as a smear, a burden
if God so loved the world, why cant we love deeply 
more truly than the rest of it

aching to find a home, sitting in much muck
burning with all the fire 
lost in a space not mine
lost in a place confined and rebuked


the silence deathly
almost turning to insanity
for comfort and bond
i only have myself, and who am I
the color of blue
merging into why i will become

a light, in the distance
calling, barely visible, blurred 
earnestly urging me to take another step
take another breath
have another hope
be another version of myself

as i fell into the depths of sleep,
i remember telling myself

"your going to make it" 

not knowing what is to come 

and i honestly dont want to be here anymore.

after finding out that God is real and there is a place after this
ive realized that I would rather go home.

it feels as if ive lost everything, 

and no thing can remove this pain

only the one who created me

if i do take my own life, 

who will raise my son

who will make sure my mom is ok

what will happen to my sisters and brothers

will they give up

what about all the people who God has blessed me 

to have shown his love

does content mean happiness

contentment is not happiness

happiness is not real

peace from contentment is

pain is, 

valleys are, 

mountain tops happen

in the midst of valleys

but come from contentment in a circumstance

its safe to leave now

Thursday, March 30, 2023

I will Always Love You


i have never felt like this. My heart so twisted and gnarled, so many steps taken in pain and thoughts had in grief.

I am a faithful man thou i have fallen. Ive seen many days of happiness and extreme excitement. Times ive held and been held, walked away and come back to my sense. But never have i felt a season such as this. To feel so alone, to be alone. To make friends with your ache. To be known and looked over. Thought of and not called out to. Ive brought hurt and joy into places the had never been. And to people who had never known. Alone i sit, thinking of as many reasons why, as i as many you are not here. 5, six seven years. Counting as i hold back the tears. watching all of you walk by. The ones who where my tribe, and now i am an outkast of the pride. a Byword and an outlaw to those i invested so much into. Only to see to come to this point. Love is strange. The steps i took not as normal as some and out of the ordinary for most. I put a ring on a finger, i walked with you as a bride. A bridge to God, tho your foriegn nature disagreed, i can still see Him setting you free. the taste of the light bursting out from underneath/
These thoughts always on my mind, drifting in and out of i will be fine, to was i blind, to what happened to the time
what happened with our time
my right arm, my left eye
bottom of your boot on my chest
to laying crying caressing your breasts
holding on to more than just whats left
but faith, and that this pain will bring me to the place i need
passed the anguish and into the heavens 
out of the wilderness into a warm home
with love and light and plenty room for anyone who needs to feel 
sitting here, rather laying
writing yet crying out to God
Ive come close to being happy where i was
and then the next thing knocked me out of my heart
the next, my pockets, the next, your life, the next
our dreams
til ther was just me
its hard to believe
it was us against the world at times
really us trying to make it a better place
long drives, being , hoping, believing
breaking into pieces while healing\\
some of us never learned to forgive and others forget
maybe even both, trying to find the tenderness in rejection
the bitter sweet fruit you eat to acceptance\
even been right? ever been always wronged,
the cross is a sacrifice ,
walking with your own is hard
but being there is hard
especially when you are not
when i am a raging bull
kicking in revolt
missing every quote ans saying
thinking of the hope and part you play in
I believe beyond todays saddness
for tomorrows Joy will bring the moon

Monday, March 13, 2023

Passing Byes

New Wave & Pacific 35 mm 

looking through the looking glass, 

i see you, seeing me, seeing 
little did you change

looking through the looking glass, 
much have you destroyed
and more will you devour 
in your pursuit of consuming those around you
you will find that you have not found yourself
even when you look away and go inward
you are still lost 

Brenda's Flowers // 35 mm 

mirror mirror 
the truth has become so much clearer
and now for my final trick, 
i will disappear. 
from your life

     Top Tomato Recording // 35 mm 


Sunday, March 12, 2023

An UnKnowing to know

90 degrees 1025 am. 

the sun has been dancing with musky clouds all morning

i have been weaker

today i feel the clicking of submerged bone in bodily fluid

each step sounding like the crushed gravel 

each step feeling like a hot sting 

viper plunging its teeth 

close my eyes 

and hope that I can reach 

the stop signal at the end of the street

a maybe i should lay down and heal when i get home 

maybe i should  sit in what lay underneath 

down to feel

i turn, inward

and holding the fetal man within my being 

the  what is left of this beating soul

alive but wounded

fed but hunger, for a way to heal, my. My heart 

life with a mighty sore 

of bitter 

better to be filled with the truth than 

empty with a whole pie of lie 

as many as i have told myself where true

ive figured its best to begin to believe 

even when im caught between rocks and hard places 

that i have never been

new angles of discomfort 

ways that make one feel as if 

we dont exist 

unplanting, rearranging and reseeding

water me again 

my leg was only the first layer of the pain

the rest has been the open wound of the pasts 

im wilting, im weeping, 

im wasting and drifting 

as a blade of grass withers,

is a man not as fragile, just the same 

Friday, October 21, 2022

Our Hills Where Hell, They Lead To Heaven

want to hold your earth in my soil
Your mind, in my cosmic
A peace of your aura in my tea,
as i sit and sip
I think of ways to love you inside out
and though we have not been,

I wait to be one with you 
To, harmonize with your hidden parts
and secret pieces
To breath in your painful thoughts 
as we burst from tear to laughter

A green eyed reminder
though we are not aligned

You remind me of, time 
A time, that has passed but is,  and has yet to come 
The ripped roots have found a way back into the ground
The seedling has begun to moisten 
Ive seen a sitting man
listening to the truth.
a sweet, bitter sweet , bitter treat 
A lull sang 
from a nest, across the street

As pain filled as it is
it changes him and grows deep within
Accepting lines that fade and blend 

Turmoil, becomes the mans best friend
He rarely grins
Nor, is his cheek caressed 
He is flogged and left
loving what has left
loving what no longer has breath 

Hoping in the miracle of what is,

God, introduce me to myself
the man who is in love with 
the hope of ascending from hell

     Runson Rason Willis x 35 mm