Selves

 you look to be looked on

and treat to be expected to be treated

and you are the reasons people forget that color lines

divide the minds

into fragments of what we are

pieces if what we can be

i look upon you with a gaurd

I look upon you as God

but you dont see the divine workings of if we became 

even if we did not end in loving arms made of burnt sienna and oil

mixed with mud to bind the root

i see it in them and i see it in you

lost in what beauty has strangled from your caboost 

you have reformed to what is easiest and made a troose 

to escape the noose

im sorry my pants dont sag far enough for a 401 k

i dont even sag, and i dont have the darkest skin

which at times makes me sad

left out, oreo

enter supporting actor

with the blond hair and blue eye

enter the repramming of society to want to be another guy

dressed in all skins wealth and adorned in the devils war drobe

to late is not the case, to light is more the base

to freckled,

to curley. 

red bone, go home.

you aint to far from ,

ugly. 

little do you know

i am right around the corner from feelin like you

in between the stage and the noose

     self portrait 35 mm  

Not To Grown

 change, is good. 

its the only way that things that must become can, transform

The only way that anyone will remember that destruction causes life

that something broken that mends is meant to become whole again

but through the motions of time and process

like trees planted from seeds that grow to become monsters of a kind. 

Love, must become through growth

and when lost it must be relearned in new forms and through letting go of old fashions

we are to gentle when it comes down to being harder 

when it all depends on grown

death, and in its wake, life that would not have otherwise been granted

i have been waking to this fact quit frequently

making adjustments as i go along.

looking for clues that give sight 

to the blinded and unwhole 

i am whole because i know we are not until we are 

Brenda's 35 mm 

Clearer

There is a clearer view of the mountain tops that have been so far off. I can breath a bit more easily and my minds have found a way to calm. In it all, i feel a degree of peace and the new beginning of seeds planted long ago. A root that had been buried very deep in the soil of my souls contentment with my short comings and places that I have not yet grown.  

I can recognize that i have spent years healing. Much longer that i suggested i my mind. I thought i was, until i wasnt. I wasnt prepaired for the moments of testing. Laughing, conversing and debating while holding on to a heaviness that i was not ready to transform. Had i known maybe it would have made a huge difference and possibly made me choose different situations. How looking back does that. It can pain, but with the new mind it can be a blessing wrapped in the burden. 

Keeping in mind i am still on my journey, even a butterfly has caused a gratefulness in my heart that i had once known, and shared and forgotten. The childlike curious of most who have never been broken, and then again those who have and have not let the circumstances that have destroyed their minds for a time. I, being once of the latter can attest to the hard work it has taken to get to a place that i still know need growing, yet i push on. 

The mountain top is clearer, even on days when things that get thrown my way take me beyond the comforts of resting under my destiny. Pride has a way, and even patience must have a day. When we finally lean back and then put all of our weight into every ounce of our journey unrelenting toward the finishing. Wont we have times or sorrow? Indeed, we will weep

and mourn over losses and we will burn inside for lost people and places, opportunities that have left and circumstances that have torn us down. 

Here we can stand, with an open heart that will give us more hope as we go through our time here and reach valley after peak after resting places of refinement. We will see clearer, we will be more of who we can when we grow into an open heart and merciful peace that will change our perspectives for the times we have not yet faces. 

 they walk on stilts

holding their heads up way too high

while holding us hostage 

under the spike of the heal

keeping you at a distance

a steady invisible hand pushing you to the brink

why?

Must it be  

this way

God? 

I know you see me

the man watching 

the one knowing that their are those like this

experiencing those that like bliss and make war 

with their eyes and bodies. made up

burning the bridge between love and lust

they want nothing to do with the pain caused

justifying destruction , tu casa, es my body 

pleasing the flesh that dies over night 

to become immortal, only to find out we can create. mortals

blinded by the light of success over service 

beyond giving, just. living 

in a world where sex, money, and ignorance live

how many times will i disturb my spirit to entertain demons

hoping that was the last and praying 

that God will make me new

I believed and fell short

i had faith but have flesh 

I am but a man

that has fallen

the sorrow of getting back, up

it defeating, depleting and disillusionment 

the the one that already has

given up

and i circle back

to the thought that brought me here

the mind, heart and lies that have been accepted

and into the spirit, body, and truth that have brought me through

suttle moments of guiding 

i have been th disobidient boy

locked in a cage 

lost in my way 

i look up agan

i look out to see

No More Tears Society

I am not in a state of dreaming, I am walking 

but i feel dead inside, i thought it was just a moment

it has been three years 

yesterday i noticed that it had become physical

a knott, a bruise, a wound, a pain in my soul

i continue, hoping to a new day

and as i wake, the pain has arisen yet again

i fight it, and i tire from the shattered slivers 

cutting into my hopes and dreams

bare and raw to the nakedness of all that has 

destroyed me. 

I Look to see if the seeds have sprouted

still invisible beneath the soil, waiting for the rains to come 

Black and comely, held in and violently taking what is not theirs to own

a set shade and tone of the remnants of the world

tied and bound to opinion

left behind and mistreated for falling, failing

why do you look upon me as a smear, a burden

if God so loved the world, why cant we love deeply 

more truly than the rest of it

aching to find a home, sitting in much muck

burning with all the fire 

lost in a space not mine

lost in a place confined and rebuked

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the silence deathly

almost turning to insanity

for comfort and bond

i only have myself, and who am I

the color of blue

merging into why i will become

a light, in the distance

calling, barely visible, blurred 

felt

earnestly urging me to take another step

take another breath

have another hope

be another version of myself

as i fell into the depths of sleep,

i remember telling myself

"your going to make it" 

not knowing what is to come 

and i honestly dont want to be here anymore.

after finding out that God is real and there is a place after this

ive realized that I would rather go home.

it feels as if ive lost everything, 

and no thing can remove this pain

only the one who created me

if i do take my own life, 

who will raise my son

who will make sure my mom is ok

what will happen to my sisters and brothers

will they give up

what about all the people who God has blessed me 

to have shown his love

does content mean happiness

contentment is not happiness

happiness is not real

peace from contentment is

pain is, 

valleys are, 

mountain tops happen

in the midst of valleys

but come from contentment in a circumstance

its safe to leave now

I will Always Love You

 

i have never felt like this. My heart so twisted and gnarled, so many steps taken in pain and thoughts had in grief.

I am a faithful man thou i have fallen. Ive seen many days of happiness and extreme excitement. Times ive held and been held, walked away and come back to my sense. But never have i felt a season such as this. To feel so alone, to be alone. To make friends with your ache. To be known and looked over. Thought of and not called out to. Ive brought hurt and joy into places the had never been. And to people who had never known. Alone i sit, thinking of as many reasons why, as i as many you are not here. 5, six seven years. Counting as i hold back the tears. watching all of you walk by. The ones who where my tribe, and now i am an outkast of the pride. a Byword and an outlaw to those i invested so much into. Only to see to come to this point. Love is strange. The steps i took not as normal as some and out of the ordinary for most. I put a ring on a finger, i walked with you as a bride. A bridge to God, tho your foriegn nature disagreed, i can still see Him setting you free. the taste of the light bursting out from underneath/

These thoughts always on my mind, drifting in and out of i will be fine, to was i blind, to what happened to the time

what happened with our time

my right arm, my left eye

bottom of your boot on my chest

to laying crying caressing your breasts

holding on to more than just whats left

but faith, and that this pain will bring me to the place i need

passed the anguish and into the heavens 

out of the wilderness into a warm home

with love and light and plenty room for anyone who needs to feel 

sitting here, rather laying

writing yet crying out to God

praying

Ive come close to being happy where i was

and then the next thing knocked me out of my heart

the next, my pockets, the next, your life, the next

our dreams

til ther was just me

its hard to believe

it was us against the world at times

really us trying to make it a better place

long drives, being , hoping, believing

breaking into pieces while healing\\

some of us never learned to forgive and others forget

maybe even both, trying to find the tenderness in rejection

the bitter sweet fruit you eat to acceptance\

even been right? ever been always wronged,

the cross is a sacrifice ,

walking with your own is hard

but being there is hard

especially when you are not

when i am a raging bull

kicking in revolt

missing every quote ans saying

thinking of the hope and part you play in

I believe beyond todays saddness

for tomorrows Joy will bring the moon

Passing Byes

New Wave & Pacific 35 mm 

looking through the looking glass, 

i see you, seeing me, seeing 

little did you change

looking through the looking glass, 

much have you destroyed

and more will you devour 

in your pursuit of consuming those around you

you will find that you have not found yourself

even when you look away and go inward

you are still lost 

Brenda's Flowers // 35 mm 

mirror mirror 

the truth has become so much clearer

and now for my final trick, 

i will disappear. 

from your life

     Top Tomato Recording // 35 mm 

 

An UnKnowing to know

90 degrees 1025 am. 

the sun has been dancing with musky clouds all morning

i have been weaker

today i feel the clicking of submerged bone in bodily fluid

each step sounding like the crushed gravel 

each step feeling like a hot sting 

viper plunging its teeth 

close my eyes 

and hope that I can reach 

the stop signal at the end of the street

a maybe i should lay down and heal when i get home 

maybe i should  sit in what lay underneath 

down to feel

i turn, inward

and holding the fetal man within my being 

the  what is left of this beating soul

alive but wounded

fed but hunger, for a way to heal, my. My heart 

life with a mighty sore 

of bitter 

better to be filled with the truth than 

empty with a whole pie of lie 

as many as i have told myself where true

ive figured its best to begin to believe 

even when im caught between rocks and hard places 

that i have never been

new angles of discomfort 

ways that make one feel as if 

we dont exist 

unplanting, rearranging and reseeding

water me again 

my leg was only the first layer of the pain

the rest has been the open wound of the pasts 

im wilting, im weeping, 

im wasting and drifting 

as a blade of grass withers,

is a man not as fragile, just the same