but i feel dead inside, i thought it was just a moment
it has been three years
yesterday i noticed that it had become physical
a knott, a bruise, a wound, a pain in my soul
i continue, hoping to a new day
and as i wake, the pain has arisen yet again
i fight it, and i tire from the shattered slivers
cutting into my hopes and dreams
bare and raw to the nakedness of all that has
destroyed me.
I Look to see if the seeds have sprouted
still invisible beneath the soil, waiting for the rains to come
Black and comely, held in and violently taking what is not theirs to own
a set shade and tone of the remnants of the world
tied and bound to opinion
left behind and mistreated for falling, failing
why do you look upon me as a smear, a burden
if God so loved the world, why cant we love deeply
more truly than the rest of it
aching to find a home, sitting in much muck
burning with all the fire
lost in a space not mine
lost in a place confined and rebuked
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the silence deathly
almost turning to insanity
for comfort and bond
i only have myself, and who am I
the color of blue
merging into why i will become
a light, in the distance
calling, barely visible, blurred
felt
earnestly urging me to take another step
take another breath
have another hope
be another version of myself
as i fell into the depths of sleep,
i remember telling myself
"your going to make it"
not knowing what is to come
and i honestly dont want to be here anymore.
after finding out that God is real and there is a place after this
ive realized that I would rather go home.
it feels as if ive lost everything,
and no thing can remove this pain
only the one who created me
if i do take my own life,
who will raise my son
who will make sure my mom is ok
what will happen to my sisters and brothers
will they give up
what about all the people who God has blessed me
to have shown his love
does content mean happiness
contentment is not happiness
happiness is not real
peace from contentment is
pain is,
valleys are,
mountain tops happen
in the midst of valleys
but come from contentment in a circumstance
its safe to leave now
