Tuesday, June 11, 2024

Ode

Somewhere in the middle, a bit over the top of regular movement 

I could imagine there is no form before there was

i can make time to find peace, the pieces of peace that make a whole truth

gladdened by the fact that i will go home one day, i tread a while further

searching to find a gust of wisdom

deep down aches calling me to my pain

high up heavens singing of Gods grace and in it, i see the shape, 

i see , the place i am meant 

we must die to the self that is self seeking sovereignty 

to find the mind that is cleansed and content with servitude 

no boarder or box to fill in

the simplicity of silence and the blessing of boisterous banter alike 

all come to a head as the anguish of living is met by the will of the Most High. tangled 

The Pale white horseman guiding my goodness into the planes of hope i make my mind mend 

so i speak what is meant

Lord of my hope, show me mercy on days where i fail to wait 

Lord of my peace show me your branches as i look to the glory set before me. 

As i asend to the feet of your greatness

bring me into a mind of peace

Letting my layers lay , my innards heal 

and the voice of my heart be quieted by your greatness

a prayer is in many ways a way

a moment of giving for the sake of thanks 





Monday, November 6, 2023

Selves


 you look to be looked on

and treat to be expected to be treated

and you are the reasons people forget that color lines

divide the minds

into fragments of what we are

pieces if what we can be

i look upon you with a gaurd

I look upon you as God

but you dont see the divine workings of if we became 

even if we did not end in loving arms made of burnt sienna and oil

mixed with mud to bind the root

i see it in them and i see it in you

lost in what beauty has strangled from your caboost 

you have reformed to what is easiest and made a troose 

to escape the noose

im sorry my pants dont sag far enough for a 401 k

i dont even sag, and i dont have the darkest skin

which at times makes me sad

left out, oreo

enter supporting actor

with the blond hair and blue eye

enter the repramming of society to want to be another guy

dressed in all skins wealth and adorned in the devils war drobe

to late is not the case, to light is more the base

to freckled,

to curley. 

red bone, go home.

you aint to far from ,

ugly. 

little do you know

i am right around the corner from feelin like you

in between the stage and the noose


     self portrait 35 mm  


Friday, July 28, 2023

Not To Grown

 change, is good. 

its the only way that things that must become can, transform

The only way that anyone will remember that destruction causes life

that something broken that mends is meant to become whole again

but through the motions of time and process

like trees planted from seeds that grow to become monsters of a kind. 

Love, must become through growth

and when lost it must be relearned in new forms and through letting go of old fashions

we are to gentle when it comes down to being harder 

when it all depends on grown

death, and in its wake, life that would not have otherwise been granted

i have been waking to this fact quit frequently

making adjustments as i go along.

looking for clues that give sight 

to the blinded and unwhole 

i am whole because i know we are not until we are 



Brenda's 35 mm 


Thursday, July 27, 2023

Clearer

There is a clearer view of the mountain tops that have been so far off. I can breath a bit more easily and my minds have found a way to calm. In it all, i feel a degree of peace and the new beginning of seeds planted long ago. A root that had been buried very deep in the soil of my souls contentment with my short comings and places that I have not yet grown.  

I can recognize that i have spent years healing. Much longer that i suggested i my mind. I thought i was, until i wasnt. I wasnt prepaired for the moments of testing. Laughing, conversing and debating while holding on to a heaviness that i was not ready to transform. Had i known maybe it would have made a huge difference and possibly made me choose different situations. How looking back does that. It can pain, but with the new mind it can be a blessing wrapped in the burden. 

Keeping in mind i am still on my journey, even a butterfly has caused a gratefulness in my heart that i had once known, and shared and forgotten. The childlike curious of most who have never been broken, and then again those who have and have not let the circumstances that have destroyed their minds for a time. I, being once of the latter can attest to the hard work it has taken to get to a place that i still know need growing, yet i push on. 

The mountain top is clearer, even on days when things that get thrown my way take me beyond the comforts of resting under my destiny. Pride has a way, and even patience must have a day. When we finally lean back and then put all of our weight into every ounce of our journey unrelenting toward the finishing. Wont we have times or sorrow? Indeed, we will weep


and mourn over losses and we will burn inside for lost people and places, opportunities that have left and circumstances that have torn us down. 

Here we can stand, with an open heart that will give us more hope as we go through our time here and reach valley after peak after resting places of refinement. We will see clearer, we will be more of who we can when we grow into an open heart and merciful peace that will change our perspectives for the times we have not yet faces. 

Friday, May 5, 2023

 they walk on stilts

holding their heads up way too high

while holding us hostage 

under the spike of the heal

keeping you at a distance

a steady invisible hand pushing you to the brink

why?

Must it be  

this way

God? 

I know you see me

the man watching 

the one knowing that their are those like this

experiencing those that like bliss and make war 

with their eyes and bodies. made up

burning the bridge between love and lust

they want nothing to do with the pain caused

justifying destruction , tu casa, es my body 

pleasing the flesh that dies over night 

to become immortal, only to find out we can create. mortals

blinded by the light of success over service 

beyond giving, just. living 

in a world where sex, money, and ignorance live

how many times will i disturb my spirit to entertain demons

hoping that was the last and praying 

that God will make me new

I believed and fell short

i had faith but have flesh 

I am but a man

that has fallen

the sorrow of getting back, up

it defeating, depleting and disillusionment 

the the one that already has

given up

and i circle back

to the thought that brought me here

the mind, heart and lies that have been accepted

and into the spirit, body, and truth that have brought me through

suttle moments of guiding 

i have been th disobidient boy

locked in a cage 

lost in my way 



i look up agan

i look out to see


Friday, April 14, 2023

No More Tears Society








I am not in a state of dreaming, I am walking 
but i feel dead inside, i thought it was just a moment
it has been three years 

yesterday i noticed that it had become physical
a knott, a bruise, a wound, a pain in my soul
i continue, hoping to a new day
and as i wake, the pain has arisen yet again


i fight it, and i tire from the shattered slivers 
cutting into my hopes and dreams
bare and raw to the nakedness of all that has 
destroyed me. 


I Look to see if the seeds have sprouted
still invisible beneath the soil, waiting for the rains to come 

Black and comely, held in and violently taking what is not theirs to own
a set shade and tone of the remnants of the world
tied and bound to opinion
left behind and mistreated for falling, failing
why do you look upon me as a smear, a burden
if God so loved the world, why cant we love deeply 
more truly than the rest of it

aching to find a home, sitting in much muck
burning with all the fire 
lost in a space not mine
lost in a place confined and rebuked


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




the silence deathly
almost turning to insanity
for comfort and bond
i only have myself, and who am I
the color of blue
merging into why i will become

a light, in the distance
calling, barely visible, blurred 
felt
earnestly urging me to take another step
take another breath
have another hope
be another version of myself


as i fell into the depths of sleep,
i remember telling myself

"your going to make it" 

not knowing what is to come 

and i honestly dont want to be here anymore.

after finding out that God is real and there is a place after this
ive realized that I would rather go home.

it feels as if ive lost everything, 

and no thing can remove this pain

only the one who created me

if i do take my own life, 

who will raise my son

who will make sure my mom is ok

what will happen to my sisters and brothers

will they give up

what about all the people who God has blessed me 

to have shown his love

does content mean happiness

contentment is not happiness

happiness is not real

peace from contentment is

pain is, 

valleys are, 

mountain tops happen

in the midst of valleys

but come from contentment in a circumstance


its safe to leave now






Thursday, March 30, 2023

I will Always Love You


 


i have never felt like this. My heart so twisted and gnarled, so many steps taken in pain and thoughts had in grief.

I am a faithful man thou i have fallen. Ive seen many days of happiness and extreme excitement. Times ive held and been held, walked away and come back to my sense. But never have i felt a season such as this. To feel so alone, to be alone. To make friends with your ache. To be known and looked over. Thought of and not called out to. Ive brought hurt and joy into places the had never been. And to people who had never known. Alone i sit, thinking of as many reasons why, as i as many you are not here. 5, six seven years. Counting as i hold back the tears. watching all of you walk by. The ones who where my tribe, and now i am an outkast of the pride. a Byword and an outlaw to those i invested so much into. Only to see to come to this point. Love is strange. The steps i took not as normal as some and out of the ordinary for most. I put a ring on a finger, i walked with you as a bride. A bridge to God, tho your foriegn nature disagreed, i can still see Him setting you free. the taste of the light bursting out from underneath/
These thoughts always on my mind, drifting in and out of i will be fine, to was i blind, to what happened to the time
what happened with our time
my right arm, my left eye
bottom of your boot on my chest
to laying crying caressing your breasts
holding on to more than just whats left
but faith, and that this pain will bring me to the place i need
passed the anguish and into the heavens 
out of the wilderness into a warm home
with love and light and plenty room for anyone who needs to feel 
sitting here, rather laying
writing yet crying out to God
praying
Ive come close to being happy where i was
and then the next thing knocked me out of my heart
the next, my pockets, the next, your life, the next
our dreams
til ther was just me
its hard to believe
it was us against the world at times
really us trying to make it a better place
long drives, being , hoping, believing
breaking into pieces while healing\\
some of us never learned to forgive and others forget
maybe even both, trying to find the tenderness in rejection
the bitter sweet fruit you eat to acceptance\
even been right? ever been always wronged,
the cross is a sacrifice ,
walking with your own is hard
but being there is hard
especially when you are not
when i am a raging bull
kicking in revolt
missing every quote ans saying
thinking of the hope and part you play in
I believe beyond todays saddness
for tomorrows Joy will bring the moon